Polarization - Talk About Climate Change!

Have you noticed how polarized life is getting? The fringe is getting more fringe-y. The violent are getting more violent. Crimes arae getting more spectacular every day. News is getting more sensationalized. Paparazzi are getting more invasive. Trial verdicts and jury awards are crazier and crazier. Government is more and more divided and angry and defiant. It seems like, anymore, people don't think it's worthwhile to take a step unless it can be a very large step that rocks the world and goes viral. I miss peace, quiet, and sanity. At the rate we're going, those words are going to end up obsolete. They will go the way of fardel and golly.

In a world of me/my we've lost our sense of common purpose, of acting for the greater good, of compromise, and common sense.

I really miss seeing common sense.

Please bring back common sense.

Jen

Biggest Loser Part Ooof

I've been upset the last week on and off while processing things and getting things worked out. Things are going ok, but the benefit of this (aside from getting things worked out) is that I haven't felt like eating and I've had so much anxiety and the nervous energy that comes with anxiety that I've been constantly on the move. I lost 3 pounds! Woot!

I've gotten on the treadmill twice - once for an hour and once for ten minutes. My lower back and hips have been in a lot of pain and I'm using my cane again, but it's going ok. I'm taking my meds (OTC and prescribed) and just taking it a day at a time.

My goal is to lose a pound a day. So far it's 3 over 8 days. But maybe now that the losing has started, I can keep it on track. We'll see.

But, my house is full of sugary carby snacks for the kids. I have no desire to eat them. Woot! That is an excellent sign.

Jen

What Is Compromise and What is Ripping Out the Heart of Who You Are?

The thing I get the most push back on personally and professionally is my Type A, detail oriented, risk adverse, analytical self who needs to understand everything in a very microcosmic sort of way. That is so integral to the person I am it is very difficult for me to look outside that and see any other way to do things. It's instinctive.

I ask a lot of questions. I think about things. Ponder. Project. Analyze. Speculate. Hypothesize. I come to conclusions (sometimes wrong conclusions). I act on what I think I know. If I'm wrong, so be it. Give me more data and I will put it into my mental grinder and come to new hypotheses.

I am risk adverse. And I don't like change. When I plan, it is to avert as much potential bad crap happening as I can without being ridiculous about it. However, my personal idea of how much planning is the right amount of planning and someone else's might be very different.

The problem I have is that people are so unpredictable. And not only are they unpredictable, they also are not all tuned into themselves enough to understand their reactions and motivations. Some are, don't get me wrong. But some aren't. How do you know the difference? I don't think you really can. You can only go with your instincts and hope for the best. And a lot of people really don't feel they can be honest with you. Everything is said in a metaphorical way to be nice. The hard true stuff is just left out or justified even when they think it's ridiculous .. all in the name of the relationship.

And every so often you come to realize that when you thought you were in synch with someone else, you were so wrong. You missed all sorts of flags and hints and subtleties (because you are not so good with the subtleties). But when you finally notice them, they hit you hard because there are so many of them and they are so completely clear you feel stupid for missing them. Projecting and hypothesizing only works if you are running projections in the right direction. Turn around and the projections look completely different.

I think interpersonal relationships are the single hardest part of being human by a huge margin.

My life would probably be a lot simpler if I were not the Type A, detail oriented, analytical, risk adverse person I am. I can, maybe, just not act on my projections, but it gives me a LOT of anxiety. What if later someone comes back and says, well, why didn't you say something if you thought it was a bad idea? Letting go and just watching things fall where they may is very, very hard. Frankly, I don't know if I can do it. But I'm going to try.. even if just to see if it works better.

In a way, though, I resent feeling like I need to try. I feel like I'm being asked (although really no one has asked), to change the core of the person I am in order to fit into society better. It makes me feel like life is chipping away at my identity in order to turn me into some Stepford person.

Life is hard.

Jen

I'm Kind of Peeved

You know how when you first meet a new person they are all bright and shiny and interesting and they think you are all bright and shiny and interesting.. and then.. after a while, you become just a background piece of scenery in their life.. they want you there.. they like you and all.. but they don't really talk to you anymore or make direct eye contact. It's like they stop seeing you as a person. You're more like a pet.

I hate that.

I want sincere, being in the moment people-ness. Tuned in. Paying attention. Interacting on purpose. Seeking each other out due to a mutual desire to spend quality time together.

It seems like life is so full of busy-ness and constant demands on our time and attention that the sincerity of interpersonal relationships has taken a flying leap into the toilet.

It bums me out.


Jen

Oh, just ARRGGHH!! anyway.

First, food. I lost 3 pounds last week. I have come to the conclusion both through reading studies and through experimentation, that sugar substitute is the Devil when it comes to dieting. Sugar substitute and exercise. Do you find that as funny as I do? I mean, really. Because that's been the whole sing-along I've been hearing about weight loss for over 20 years. How ironic.

Second, ARGH! Our dog Lilly has abcesses all down one side of her body (I'm guessing they're from some sort of insect bites, but no way to know for sure). Disgusting. She is currently on antibiotics and anti-inflammatories while they conduct some cultures and getting twice daily cleanings and antiseptic/hot compresses. Hopefully this will not require surgery, but there are no promises. She is doing well though. No fever, good attitude, eating good, lest you be inclined to worry overmuch. Bad news, but not terrible. In addition, my horse, Caspar, is getting overheated. This may be due to insufficient sweating (anhydrosis). Apparently the condition can appear at any time and be partial or complete lack of sweating. In his case it would be partial. I am still observing his sweat patterns to see if I can determine if this is the case, but my initial inclination is to say yes. So, I am going to the barn several times a day and wetting him down with tepid water, watering down the shade parts of his stall to make it cooler, and letting him out to pasture at night to prevent colic (a kind of stomach ache that can be fatal and can occur when a horse is stressed). So far he is doing well under those tender ministrations. Oh, and he also now has a bloody scratch near the corner of his eye. No idea how he did that. So, I cleaned that up and got him some electrolyte powder for his feed. I also got a rectal thermometer so I can, in a pinch, get a reading and make sure he's not getting heat stroke. There are other signs I will look for first though.. bulging veins and panting. (Less gross.)

And, my jeep.. which I love, has a very cool humongous sky slider roof (an accordion style soft roof that slides back). Said very cool roof has decided over the last couple of weeks not to close entirely. Monsoon rains are due to begin next Tuesday. The earliest the service center can get me in? Wednesday, naturally. It's also a very bad time to be without my car, as I need to go to the barn several times a day to hose Caspar down. And I'm working next week, so I can't just stay at the barn.

ARGH!!!

I feel very aggravated.

And now my HOA is saying we must move the shed from behind the side of our house to the back of our house. Which is fine.. but time consuming and it's 109 degrees out. (baleful look) Why couldn't they have objected to it in December or January?

On the positive side (a short but important list), the new fish have not been eaten by the turtle. My two new corals are still alive. My son is doing well on his new medication (thank God), and I get to be home for the next 3 weeks (one of which is a vacation week).

And, of course, I lost 3 pounds.

I am a poorer and busier - but thinner - girl.

Jen

Puppies Puppies Puppies Puppies Puppies

Before Bailey died, I had been planning for the future.. thinking about what kind of puppy I would get after she passed away. I always knew her death would be very hard for me. Originally, getting MacDubh and Duncan was a way to ensure that I would still be surrounded by loving dogs after she passed. But both of the boys went to live with Tasha when she moved out because they were pretty cat aggressive and MacDubh was totally devoted to Tasha. Then MacDubh died at only 6 years from a severe bronchial infection. Duncan still visits, but its not the same.

Then Robert moved in with his dachshund Lilly. She's sweet. She's 10. Totally a lap model. Not quite the same though. She's a dog. Most definitely. Bailey was more like a person. So was MacDubh. Duncan was similar, but not with the same intensity.

I thought, well, maybe I would get a labrador retriever. They are great dogs and excellent retrievers. I could teach my lab to bring me things that I drop and help me.. as I'm not so bendie anymore.

But really, my heart belongs to mastiffs. The more I looked at pictures of labradors the more I wanted to look at pictures of mastiffs.

So, I think Robert and the kids will have to endure the slobber and the hair for a while longer.

I still miss Bailey, but I don't cry for her anymore. My heart is opening up for another baby to love. I just want one that looks different. I don't want to see Bailey in their face. A different structure .. maybe a fawn boy with a big square head this time.

I was shocked at how much prices have risen. Bailey was $1850, fully health tested parents and a solid lineage. The ones I have seen recently that meet my health testing and lineage requirements are $2500. That is going to limit how soon I can have one. And also, my job ... travelling all the time. I need time at home for my new puppy. That stresses me the most. I can have a bunch of time at home next summer. But that is a whole year away. I long for a puppy now.

Makes me a little sad.

Jen

An Exciting Opportunity (Please Let It Not Be A Disheartening One!)

One of my work friends is starting a Biggest Loser challenge for people who want to participate. There is a $60 buy in and a monthly weigh in. There are little monthly prizes and then at the end there are 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place prizes. I'm jazzed. For one, I really like the Biggest Loser show on tv. I like watching how hard they work and how they confront some of the issues that brought them to obesity. I love watching their successes and watching also how they are supported and encouraged when they plateau. It inspires me. So, I like the psychology of calling this a Biggest Loser challenge.

This particular opportunity is very timely because I am really wanting to lose weight badly. I'm focused. I'm probably going to do all the wrong things, but I am also motivated by the challenge of competing. I am trying to teach myself to change entirely what I consider appropriate food for meals and quantities. The model I was raised with doesn't work. The emphasis has to be on vegetables and proteins with slower digesting fibers to add longevity. I am also doing VERY well with my legs and back. So, I'm going to start testing exercise to see how I do. A month ago I did fine on the treadmill, but then spent two days with my muscles failing. So, I'm going to stick to 20 minute intervals instead of an hour and see how it goes. Perhaps I can do several 20 minute intervals in a day and rest between. I'll have to mix it up to see how it goes. I'm also going to try other tricks, like drinking very cold water and do spurts of intense activity to get my metabolism motivated.

Wish me luck. Please post any ideas, support, whatever. This is going to be tough.

Jen

Horses are like dogs are like children are like adults...

When I embarked on my animal ownership adventure I spent a lot of time researching training techniques and trying them out on my animals. There are many schools of thought about training. My favorite is to use the least amount of negativity possible. Reward the positive. Start off with a clean slate each time. Don't take training failures personally. Don't blame the trainee for not learning what you're teaching or assume they're doing it on purpose.

But there are a lot of training methods out there that focus on increasing the amount of pain (in one fashion or another - literal, psychological, whatever) until the trainee gets it right. Having been on the receiving end of that kind of training a time or two, I am generally against it. (Put a check in the "against" box.)

I was thinking about this (again) when I took my horse back from the stable that was buying him (long story), and noticed that they had him in a harsher bit than the one I had been using. A harsh bit hurts the mouth or the head in some fashion. A gentle bit applies some pressure, but not enough to really hurt unless you yank on the reins (which is a big rider no-no.) The philosophy behind getting a harsh bit is .. wow.. the horse isn't listening to me. I'll make him do what I want by making sure he really pays for it when he doesn't.

The philosophy behind a gentle bit is .. I'm going to use this bit to tell you what I want. A relaxed horse listens better and thus learns better. This means I have to take responsibility for explaining to you (as long as it takes) what I want you to do when I do this (pick up right rein) or this (pick up left rein) etc. And I'm going to work with you until you get it and can respond consistently each time.

Now, yes, a gentle bit requires more training and rider responsibility. But it's a long term investment in a sane horse. A harsh bit is a quick fix to a problem that can lead to longer term problems later.

I see this all the time in all sorts of inter-mammal relationships. People and dogs or cats or other animals. Adults and children. Children and adults.

Harshness begets anger, resentment and fear. None of that helps us learn. Nor does it help us look at the world with optimism and interact with the world and each other in a positive way.

Gentleness is often mistaken for being a mat and letting them do whatever they want. But that is not the case. Gentle training has consequences. But it comes from a different place. It looks different and it feels different (to both parties).

I'm an advocate. Put a check in the "for" box.


Jen

I am Committed (Before they have to actually commit me..) to...

My current step-mother challenge (I'm a fairly new step-mom.. Married in March 2009 and learning as I go..) is the part where ..when you and your husband are trying to have a conversation and every time one of you pauses for breath, one of the childrens (spelled wrong for comic effect) chimes in with some observation, desire, comment, etc. So, your conversations go something like this:

Husband: So I was thinking it might be better to switch out the plant light in the aquarium for a pink light to see if it might help with the algae.

Child 1: Yeah it might be too bright in there. No wait, what algae? Is that the brown stuff?

Child 2: What is a pink light?

Wife: The algae might just be because the tank is new. But we could try just turning the plant light off and see if it helps before we get a new light.

Child 1: I think the pink light would be good. It says it makes the colors of the fish brighter.

Hubby: Yeah, that could...

Child 2: What is a pink light? Oh. Are we still going to grow plants? Won't the plants die?

Hubby: (pause so he doesn't have to talk over Child 2) ...that could be. We could try that I suppose.

It's not so bad all things considered. There could be worse things (such as nose-picking and eating in public). BUT, on the other hand.. I could take up the mantle of step-mom and teach them not to do that. I think it would be a service to the world. A VALUABLE service. And, I might retain my mental health a little while longer yet (what is still left).


Jen

! Blogger Comment Issue !

If you have trouble commenting (I did), then when you go to log in, uncheck the box that has it remember you or your username or whatever. Then the commenting works. Apparently this is a known issue and they are working on it.

Jen

I Like Poetry - Emotional Vomitus That It Is

I like poetry.  I like reading it and also writing it.  I keep a book at home of poetry I've written and some favorites that other people have written.  I'm going to share a few of mine below. Just because.. well.. because I feel like it.

Sometimes when I'm full of emotion, my brain just starts purging it through words.. lyrical words.. usually free verse.. and they are swirling so maddeningly around in my brain I have to write them down and order them to feel better.

Winter Destinies
A snowflake should never ponder melting
as it dances down from the sky
else the dance might falter
and the snowflake plummet gracelessly
losing only the dance
and still, inexorably, melting

------------------------------

And I Knew I Was Home

When I met the desert
I knew it deep inside
Intimate and familiar
Well known as any lover
I felt with perfect clarity
My soul looking back at me
Sometimes a little desperate
Strong but mistaken for lifeless
Undernourished but not quite dead

And I knew I was home.

------------------------------

Memories of You

My memories of you are so large
I could cuddle up to them in bed
Snuggling into them like the shirt you wore yesterday
Burying my nose in the soft folds
Soothed by the smell of your skin
Falling asleep in them
Long after you're gone.

------------------------------

Gaia's Damballah

Leaves leap from the tree
endlessly spiraling in a profusion of color
gold and emerald and ruby natives
twisting and thrusting to a sultry aboriginal beat
until the maw of the earth rises
seeking sustenance and renewal
and snatches them from the sky

FOOD! How I love and hate thee!

I have battled with food since I turned 18 or so.  As my metabolism has slowed and slowed and slowed and I've become more sedentary due to the nature and demands of my work and intermittant leg and back problems, it's been a real struggle to get to my ideal weight.  I am so far from my ideal weight. 

I currently need only around 1800 calories a day to maintain my weight.  To lose any significant amount of weight, I need to drop my calories to 1200 or so.  I need to eat every 4 hours or so (I'm a diet controlled diabetic - insulin resistant.. which means I produce insulin, but I produce it inappropriately.  My body waits too long to produce insulin and then overproduces, which can cause my blood sugar to drop dangerously low if I don't eat right.  This means I need to eat smaller amounts of the right sorts of food to keep my blood sugar in balance.  I do that very well.  I rarely have a problem with my blood sugar.).  Eating every 4 hours or so means definitely needing to control portion size.  I'm not so bad at eating decent foods.  I'm not a sugar freak.  I use low sugar and diet substitutes a lot.  But portion size is really an issue.  I need very small portions. 

It's hard to eat small portions for several reasons.  One is that I like food.  Two is that nothing comes in the size that I need to eat it.  I can get by with a portion the size of the palm of my hand.  That is enough for blood sugar control.  It is enough for calories.  But I feel guilty for wasting food.  I feel cheated because I can't eat more - or anywhere close to what other people can eat.  And I feel hungry.  I feel hungry even after I've eaten.  It's annoying.  And cravings.  Sometimes I get really horrible cravings.  This is better the fewer carbs I eat, so I try to limits carbs.  Also, I have to eat a very restrictive diet to keep my calories low.  Who wants to eat a hard boiled egg for breakfast every morning?  I want blueberry waffles!  (With diet syrup.)  Who wants to eat salad twice a day?  (I want nachos and steak and lasagna!)  And what's more.. I want food that I can quickly make and eat and go... life is very busy.  I don't have time for food prep.

It is demoralizing that my hubby, who is a trim 5'7 and 140 pounds, can eat pretty much anything he wants. His metabolism is awesome.  I want one!!

And while I struggle.. I see these commercials on tv with these size zero people pretending to eat ice cream.  I'm sure they're spitting it out in a bucket and maybe purging afterwards.  And did you hear about that yoplait commercial they pulled? It featured a women staring into a refrigerator at a cheesecake with raspberries on top.  She was negotiating with herself on what she would do to offset various sizes of cheesecake intake.  Then another woman comes up and gets a yoplait raspberry cheesecake from the fridge.  The first woman compliments the second woman on her weight loss and the second woman says thank you and how delicious and low calorie the yoplait is.  The commercial was pulled when yoplait got complaints from people involved with eating disorders who said that it mirrored too much the struggle that people with eating disorders have.  And I thought, wow.. I have that conversation with myself several times a day.  Is that wrong?

I read an article a few months ago about how actresses are hungry - all the time.  How they go to extreme lengths to stay thin enough to be marketable.  I wonder sometimes how far I should go to get to my goal weight.  Right now it's low sugar oatmeal and salad twice a day with more water and less caffeine.  (OH NOS!! I LOVES MY CAFFEINE!!!)

OHM.  One way or another it will all work out, right?  Wherever you go.. there you are.. and life somehow continues.  And my cholesterol is fine.  My muscle mass is good.  I'm strong when I'm not crippled.  I'm sure there's some middle ground somewhere.  I just have to find it.  And I need to teach my daughter what I learn so she doesn't end up in the same boat.  She's already very conscious about what she eats and weight.  How do I teach her to have a healthy relationship with food when I have no idea how to do that myself?  All I can do right now is tell her to eat vegetables and protein and go easy on carbs (the opposite of her preference).  Limit sugar.  Tell her she's beautiful just the way she is.  Encourage her to get exercise.  Argh.

Jen

Meet My Pet Family

You may have noticed already that I love animals.  I have quite a few. 

This is Caspar (aka Caspar the Friendly Horse).  He's an 11 year old 15 hand (5' at the shoulder) grey quarterhorse.  (Did you know grey horses can be born any color?  They get lighter every year until they are bone white.  You can tell the difference between a true white horse and a grey horse from the color of the skin.  Grey horses have black skin.  White horses have pink skin.)  He was a little surly when I first met him (he was 3.5 years old).  He had been "ranch broke" at a ranch in Mexico.  Some horses do ok with that style of training, but Caspar wasn't one of them.  After I got him I used John Lyons methods that I learned on the web.  We spent the first year doing training on the ground while we learned how to communicate with each other.  Once he realized he wouldn't get hit if he didn't get it right, he relaxed and started learning.  I love this horse.  He is a little nervous.  But otherwise he is pretty fabulous.  I can ride him bareback, english or western.  When my legs are bad, if I fall getting off him, he never steps on me, even if I fall underneath him, he stands still and lets me balance against him.  I love teaching him new things.  The latest things are "kiss" and "hug".  You can see hug below.  I guess there's a size limit, because it won't let me add kiss.

 

I currently have 5 cats.  In the box is Sebastian, playing with orange Eragon.  They are my youngest at 2 and 3 years old respectively.  I've had them since they were 7 weeks old.  Both were saved from a life on the streets.

Pywacket adopted me.  He showed up at my door in the winter in 2001.  Temperatures were below freezing and snow was on the ground.  I let him in at night, sequestered in the bathroom to keep him away from my other cats.  I let him out during the day so he could find his way home.  But he kept coming back and pretty soon he just stayed at the door all the time.  So, after notifying the local shelters in case his family was looking for him, I took him to the vet for a checkup and adopted him.  He was 1.5 years old. 

This is Py and Zeri. Zeri is short for Scherazade.  I named her after the exotic courtesan who tells the stories to stay alive in 1001 Arabian Nights because she's so pretty.  I adopted her from the Humane Society when she was 6 months old.  (I adopted another cat, Kasey, at the same time.  But Kasey died 4 years later of a neurological disorder.) Zeri has a tendancy to pee on anything soft (bedding laundry, etc.) so she is confined to my office where she can't do much damage.  Both Py and Zeri are love-muffins.  They couldn't possibly have enough petting.

D'Artagnan is another kitten that was adopted from the street.  I got her in 2007 at 7 weeks.  She is a spitfire and when she wants attention she'll let you know.. lol.  She is named after one of the 3 musketeers.  She's tiny at only 6 pounds (half the size of my biggest cat, Eragon).  But boy, is she feisty.

The aquatic turtle is Valentine (named after the character Valentine Michael Smith from Stranger in a Strange Land).  When I first got her in 2006, she had 2 plecos in her tank.  She went down to see one and I thought.. aww.. how cute!  She's meeting her new friends.... CHOMP!  Bit the poor guy right in half.  And then went and ate the other one too.  I was traumatized.  I realized then how very different our cultural mores were.. lol.. hence the name.  She has recently moved to a new 120 gallon aquarium and gotten a bunch of new friends.. cichlids.  She has gotten along well with cichlids, which are a semi-aggressive fish -- aggressive enough that she doesn't eat them.  But we try to keep her fairly well fed just to be on the safe side.. ;-)

In addition to these animals, my hubby brought along a salt water tank that has a bunch of soft corals, a shrimp, a damsel fish, and a brittle starfish.  We recently added an emerald crab, who is quite pretty.  (Her name is Emmie.)  He also brought along a dachshund, Lilly, who is 11 now.

Robert would prefer a few less pets.  So, after the current population passes away, there will be no more kitties.  (Or maybe just one.. not sure.)  And eventually I'd like to have another dog. 

<3

Jen

Speaking of Giving Back...

I feel equal parts great and horrible about this.  I have been volunteering for a 501c3 nonprofit organization since .. gosh.. who knows.. maybe 2006?  I can't even remember.  Since my work schedule got so hectic back in 2007 I have been very erratic in what I am able to do there.  Three years ago I offered to paint a sign for the facility, because their old one was faded and barely legible.  I came up with a grand design.  I showed her the design (my fault) and promptly was given more words to add.  This "scope creep" did me in.  Three years (and a tremendous amount of procrastination - both warranted and unwarranted) later, I just finished painting the sign this week.  I finally said - JUST GET IT DONE!  It doesn't have to be perfect.  It will still be tons better than what the organization has right now.  So, I did it.  I tried not to obsess.  I just did it.

I don't love the phone number or the line of text at the very bottom.  It's not all exactly even.  And I didn't put as many elements on the design as I originally planned, but overall, I'm happy with it.. I'm thrilled it's done, and privately ashamed that it took me so long.  The picture is actually more vivid in person, but you get the idea.

Desert Cry Wildlife is a rescue, rehabilitation and sanctuary (although release back into the wild is done when possible) that specializes in small mammals - especially bunnies (cottontails and jack rabbits) indigenous to Arizona.  It's a great organization that runs on a shoestring budget, as most nonprofits do. They also work with the court systems to provide community service opportunities and also work with the boy scouts, provide educational opportunities at schools and other community events, and most especially - save as many bunnies (and sometimes other kinds of animals) as possible. 

I love volunteering to help animals.  When I first moved to Arizona I volunteered at a horse rescue operation - grooming the horses.  I have also provided a permanent home for 6 cats rescued from either the street or from shelters and a temporary home and medical care for a very young kitten who was placed in a loving home with a friend.  I've also rescued one dog from a shelter.  And when I bought a horse, I picked one who was unhappy, who I could work with to brighten up his world.  Animals are so much easier than people.  Unable to defend themselves, they need a champion.  And they are often so much nicer than people.  AND -- every emotion they have is a genuine, in the moment reaction to what is going on in their heart and in their environment.  It's very rewarding work.  I can't save them all.  But at least I can provide a safe harbor and love to some of them .. a forever home, and give back to the world in a small way.

It's Just A Pet

Do you ever see someone looking at you with complete lack of understanding?  This is never more poignant when you've lost a pet and they can't really comprehend what that means to you, the depth of your feeling, why you feel so sad or grieve for so long.   

Last year I lost my english mastiff, Bailey (officially Stellar Bailey My Love, CGC).  I had her euthanized, while I petted her, telling her how beautiful and loved she was.  She declined suddenly just after her 10th birthday - on Thanksgiving Day.  She came in from the yard limping badly.  She had been on pain medication for arthritis for two years.  She would stay close to me over these last two years, as close as she could... because touch became painful.  Even knowing that she was getting very old, I could never be ready.  Hoping against hope that she injured a back or leg and with appropriate care she would recover, it quickly became apparent that it wasn't going to be that way.  I consulted several specialists and got several opinions. She had all of the testing I thought could be conclusive without causing her unnecessary pain.  Ultimately, it turned out that she had bone cancer and kidney failure.  I had been afraid of cancer for several years.  But, there is no real test for cancer.  Nothing that shows in yearly physicals.  Her last days were at home, with me giving her IV fluids and hand feeding her while I got all of the veterinary advice I needed to make a very hard decision.  When it became very clear that her life would end within a few days regardless, I chose to have her euthanized so she wouldn't suffer any more.  She was ready.  She was much more ready than I was.  I miss her so much. 

But her death doesn't define her life.  She was so much more than a dog.  I have had many animals, but none with whom I communicated so deeply and with so much emotion.  She was so smart, knowing more than 50 words, some both by hand motion and by voice.  She could interpret commands in  context.  She was joy and loyalty, devotion and contrariness.  We were nearly always touching.. even just a toe on her hip.  She slept with me, sliding down the side of my body with hers, to ensure close contact when she laid down.  She woke me at times with a paw over either shoulder and one by either hip, her big face eclipsing mine as her huge tongue made quick work of my whole face in three swipes.  She was gentle.. standing so still as a toddler walked up and leaned on her at the store.. very gently wagging her tail and making sure to stay still as she swung her head around to give him a gentle, tentative lick on his nose - much to his delight.  She liked to be home most.  She grieved when I was away.  She followed me from room to room.  She knew every mood and cared about every trial.  And I loved her so. 

She was very beautiful.  She won reserve at her second show.  We stopped showing because she didn't like all of the hubbub.  She was typey and wonderful.  The Stellar line fully health tests and has very high standards for both breeding and for puppy homes.  All of Bailey's sisters and brothers (10 in all) were lovely (and many are still living as of today - at 10.5 years old).

I loved stroking her velvety head, breathing in her puppy breath, teaching her new tricks, like high five and playing dead.  I loved watching her run like the wind - so much faster and graceful than I ever expected - and watching her wade in the area of the pool I had built for her (she didn't like to swim in deeper water).  I loved falling asleep with my legs arranged around her on the couch, and having her sit in my lap like she fit there (she thought she was lap-sized), and holding her head on my lap (it took up the whole space).  I loved hearing her snore (it gave me giggles), and I was completely accustomed to stepping over and around her every day of her life.  I got her when she was 8 weeks exactly (and 19 pounds).  I loved watching her try to anticipate what command would get her the treat I was holding - throwing herself this way and that into various poses.. doing the spin command.. and watching her delight in finding treats I had hidden for her to "track".

And if she was afraid of storms and didn't like being away from the house too much - well, that was fine by me.  And if she jumped over the arms of the couch like a gazelle, well, she was beautiful and graceful and playful and sweet.  And she took to low-impact agility like she was made for it (to direct her energy in a safer direction than kamakazi couch jumping).  I have never been more surprised than watching her jump over a 4 foot fence like she was on pogo legs.  Except maybe when I told her in an off-hand way to go make the cat stop being bad.. and she actually did.  I'm positive she knew more english than I knew dog.  And if she spent her entire second year eating all of the right shoes in my closet.. and 'reading' as many books as she could find ... she was an amazing playmate for me.  And so gentle.. finding a baby bird in the yard and licking it until I came to find it and clean it up and put it back, unharmed, in its nest.  And if she sometimes stepped on my feet with her big bruisers.. well, she also kept me warm all winter long.

I take solace in knowing that she knew how much I loved her.. and love her still.  That she got the best life I could provide.  That she was adored and appreciated for everything that made her special.  Her devotion - her unequivocable love and support - they leave a vast hole.  I have her ashes at home - because I couldn't bear to be parted with her the distance to our family's pet graveyard.  I have her favorite toys nearby and pictures of all the years I had her with me.  And at night, I hug my pillow and remember how she felt lying next to me .. warm furry love-doggy from shoulders to knees. 

And, if you don't quite understand what all the fuss is about.. that's ok too.  But I hope someday you do.  Because all of the pain now is entirely worth having had her with me for 10 beautiful years. 

I love you  Bailey Boo.

Jen

What is a Life Well Lived Anyway?

Not everyone needs a sense of purpose.  I do, though.  There are a lot of grand ways to make a difference.  I'm not really a grand gesture kind of person.  I'd rather make a difference in a hundred thousand little ways -- pick up a worm on the pavement after a storm and put it back in the grass... or pick up an empty bottle on the sidewalk and put it in the trash... give someone a pep talk who is having a bad day.. adopt an animal from a shelter and give it a chance at life with someone who will love and care for it (me).

I'd like to leave the world a better place than I found it.   But, I'm a normal person with my peeves and my quirks, a wild combination of attributes, both positive and negative, so it's a process.  But, it's good to have goals.

So, this blog is going to document my trials and victories, the little things and the big things.

I hope to get some feedback from the world out there.  Every contact is informative, whether I agree with it or not.  Jump right in.  I know I have a lot I could learn from you.  And learning and growing and giving back ... that's what it's about.

Namaste.

Jen