The thing I get the most push back on personally and professionally is my Type A, detail oriented, risk adverse, analytical self who needs to understand everything in a very microcosmic sort of way. That is so integral to the person I am it is very difficult for me to look outside that and see any other way to do things. It's instinctive.
I ask a lot of questions. I think about things. Ponder. Project. Analyze. Speculate. Hypothesize. I come to conclusions (sometimes wrong conclusions). I act on what I think I know. If I'm wrong, so be it. Give me more data and I will put it into my mental grinder and come to new hypotheses.
I am risk adverse. And I don't like change. When I plan, it is to avert as much potential bad crap happening as I can without being ridiculous about it. However, my personal idea of how much planning is the right amount of planning and someone else's might be very different.
The problem I have is that people are so unpredictable. And not only are they unpredictable, they also are not all tuned into themselves enough to understand their reactions and motivations. Some are, don't get me wrong. But some aren't. How do you know the difference? I don't think you really can. You can only go with your instincts and hope for the best. And a lot of people really don't feel they can be honest with you. Everything is said in a metaphorical way to be nice. The hard true stuff is just left out or justified even when they think it's ridiculous .. all in the name of the relationship.
And every so often you come to realize that when you thought you were in synch with someone else, you were so wrong. You missed all sorts of flags and hints and subtleties (because you are not so good with the subtleties). But when you finally notice them, they hit you hard because there are so many of them and they are so completely clear you feel stupid for missing them. Projecting and hypothesizing only works if you are running projections in the right direction. Turn around and the projections look completely different.
I think interpersonal relationships are the single hardest part of being human by a huge margin.
My life would probably be a lot simpler if I were not the Type A, detail oriented, analytical, risk adverse person I am. I can, maybe, just not act on my projections, but it gives me a LOT of anxiety. What if later someone comes back and says, well, why didn't you say something if you thought it was a bad idea? Letting go and just watching things fall where they may is very, very hard. Frankly, I don't know if I can do it. But I'm going to try.. even if just to see if it works better.
In a way, though, I resent feeling like I need to try. I feel like I'm being asked (although really no one has asked), to change the core of the person I am in order to fit into society better. It makes me feel like life is chipping away at my identity in order to turn me into some Stepford person.
Life is hard.
Jen
There isn't anything wrong with you, but on the same line, there isn't anything wrong with other people either.
ReplyDeleteYour misery stems from your expectations. It is likely many more times miserable for you than it is for the average person exactly because of your type A personality which will wrongly lead you to believe that you can come to a correct conclusion about other people and allow you to have reasonable expectations about them.
The more you think you know about a person or relationship and what can be expected from it the more disappointed you will be.
Korzybski wisely reminds us, the map is not the land. What you know of people is not the person. The person can always step away from what we 'know'. Remember that, and give them the freedom to be who they are and then they cannot hope to disappoint you. They can only be who they are.
Love!