I have battled with food since I turned 18 or so. As my metabolism has slowed and slowed and slowed and I've become more sedentary due to the nature and demands of my work and intermittant leg and back problems, it's been a real struggle to get to my ideal weight. I am so far from my ideal weight.
I currently need only around 1800 calories a day to maintain my weight. To lose any significant amount of weight, I need to drop my calories to 1200 or so. I need to eat every 4 hours or so (I'm a diet controlled diabetic - insulin resistant.. which means I produce insulin, but I produce it inappropriately. My body waits too long to produce insulin and then overproduces, which can cause my blood sugar to drop dangerously low if I don't eat right. This means I need to eat smaller amounts of the right sorts of food to keep my blood sugar in balance. I do that very well. I rarely have a problem with my blood sugar.). Eating every 4 hours or so means definitely needing to control portion size. I'm not so bad at eating decent foods. I'm not a sugar freak. I use low sugar and diet substitutes a lot. But portion size is really an issue. I need very small portions.
It's hard to eat small portions for several reasons. One is that I like food. Two is that nothing comes in the size that I need to eat it. I can get by with a portion the size of the palm of my hand. That is enough for blood sugar control. It is enough for calories. But I feel guilty for wasting food. I feel cheated because I can't eat more - or anywhere close to what other people can eat. And I feel hungry. I feel hungry even after I've eaten. It's annoying. And cravings. Sometimes I get really horrible cravings. This is better the fewer carbs I eat, so I try to limits carbs. Also, I have to eat a very restrictive diet to keep my calories low. Who wants to eat a hard boiled egg for breakfast every morning? I want blueberry waffles! (With diet syrup.) Who wants to eat salad twice a day? (I want nachos and steak and lasagna!) And what's more.. I want food that I can quickly make and eat and go... life is very busy. I don't have time for food prep.
It is demoralizing that my hubby, who is a trim 5'7 and 140 pounds, can eat pretty much anything he wants. His metabolism is awesome. I want one!!
And while I struggle.. I see these commercials on tv with these size zero people pretending to eat ice cream. I'm sure they're spitting it out in a bucket and maybe purging afterwards. And did you hear about that yoplait commercial they pulled? It featured a women staring into a refrigerator at a cheesecake with raspberries on top. She was negotiating with herself on what she would do to offset various sizes of cheesecake intake. Then another woman comes up and gets a yoplait raspberry cheesecake from the fridge. The first woman compliments the second woman on her weight loss and the second woman says thank you and how delicious and low calorie the yoplait is. The commercial was pulled when yoplait got complaints from people involved with eating disorders who said that it mirrored too much the struggle that people with eating disorders have. And I thought, wow.. I have that conversation with myself several times a day. Is that wrong?
I read an article a few months ago about how actresses are hungry - all the time. How they go to extreme lengths to stay thin enough to be marketable. I wonder sometimes how far I should go to get to my goal weight. Right now it's low sugar oatmeal and salad twice a day with more water and less caffeine. (OH NOS!! I LOVES MY CAFFEINE!!!)
OHM. One way or another it will all work out, right? Wherever you go.. there you are.. and life somehow continues. And my cholesterol is fine. My muscle mass is good. I'm strong when I'm not crippled. I'm sure there's some middle ground somewhere. I just have to find it. And I need to teach my daughter what I learn so she doesn't end up in the same boat. She's already very conscious about what she eats and weight. How do I teach her to have a healthy relationship with food when I have no idea how to do that myself? All I can do right now is tell her to eat vegetables and protein and go easy on carbs (the opposite of her preference). Limit sugar. Tell her she's beautiful just the way she is. Encourage her to get exercise. Argh.
Jen
Food is definitely an interesting topic. It's an integral part of our social rituals, a defining feature of local cultures, a reward system for achievements, and a source of emotional comfort.
ReplyDeleteI'm big- embarrassingly big,but according to my doctor,I'm also healthy. My size has always been on my mind- not as a health concern, but as a matter of my value as a human being.
It's unfortunate that food and appearance are both such important parts of how we relate to each other.
Thanks for weighing in.. (pun.. hehe). I find it interesting how very opinionated and forward people can be about what I choose or don't choose to eat.. I mean.. EXTREMELY pushy. It makes it very hard to set boundaries and keep to them when pushed past my comfort zone on the social front. No, I'm not hungry doesn't do it with everyone. And really, I wish our society valued brains over beauty, because I would do so much better in that arena. I hate having to live up to some arbitrary visual standard. Even if I don't want to care, it is hard to be surrounded with that pressure every day.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like this is an issue that brings you down.
ReplyDeleteEating is such a fundamental aspect of life that you should be able to approach it without all this negativity.
I don't know if you can find a good balance in your diet to satisfy all your criteria, but I hope you find a good balance in how you think about food, health and self-image.
<3
You are exactly right. It's something I have struggled with for a long time. Presumably there is progress on a cellular level if nowhere else.
ReplyDelete