Things are rolling along. I lost Penny to Cancer. But we got two lovely minature dachshunds and love them to pieces. Frank-the-Pug is still rolling right along - 15 years old! I am doing my final appeal for Social Security disability and expect it to not succeed. Not because I'm not actually disabled, but because the system is really f'd up.  Thank God I have private disability.

I have a lot more doctor appointments this year. I skipped nearly everything in person last year because of COVID. I have an impaired immune system. I have to be really careful. I discovered along the way that I am allergic to polyethelene glycol and polysorbate 80 - which are in all the vaccines. The anaphlaxis is getting worse over time so I am now not cleared for any vaccines at all. I did get evusheld (a covid vaccine for immune system impaired people) and had anaphlaxis but I figured, it was safer to do that than to try to treat covid (which has the same ingredients I am allergic to in the vaccine).

I did finally end up getting covid this month, but my immunology doctor prescribed steroids, a preventative inhaler with twice as much steroid medication as my normal one, and antibiotics. It did the trick. I'm mostly better now. Still having intermittant fevers and my asthma is still lively, but the worst is past.

Other than that, just putting one foot in front of the other, trying to keep my energy output low enough that I can recoup it overnight. 

I'm getting further evaluation for potential hearing loss & inflammatory problems next week. I'm working on setting up a craft room so I have my own space to do all the things, set up the way I need it so I am not unnecessarily wasting energy with set up & clean up.

I've set up a lot of goals for myself. I do better with a sense of purpose.

What are y'all up to?

What are the steps to a life well lived?

You have to figure out your goals. You have to figure out what bugs you and come up with a plan to fix it. I'm doing it. I'm motivated and confident.

I am determined to lose significant weight and strengthen my weakened muscles. Tonight I joined a weight loss challenge at a gym with personal trainers and a nutritionist.

I have had some obstacles to overcome. Most of my muscles are very weak due to the hypermobility. You may not know this, but when you body isn't holding itself together properly, you have difficulty activating and strengthening your muscles, because things aren't where they are supposed to be and working as intended. 

Exercise has to be very specific - directed at the muscle, and avoiding rotations or stretches.

I am very prone to injury and a slow healer (as my ankle sprain/ligament detachment can attest.. I'm still healing from my injuries last November).  I'm also prone to muscle failure (complete failure) and sudden onset of massive fatigue.  I have to be careful. Having a personal trainer is going to be key for me.

This gym will modify exercises to meet whatever your special requirements are. I need that really bad.

Another obstacle I have are my massive allergies and things that provoke the mast cell activation syndrome. I get anaphlaxis. I get massive facial, body, and limb swelling (angioedema) and migraines. I get stomach upset and .. the downstream effects of poor gastric motility.

They have a nutritionist that works with you to ensure that you are eating the right amount and not triggering allergies. I have over 200 allergies plus a bunch of non-allergy food that provokes mast cell activation attacks. I really need the help.

I'm very excited to begin this challenge and gain friends in the fight.

20 pounds in 6 weeks.  I'm going to do it!

Happy Husband, Happy Life

I am not particularly tidy. I'm hygenic. But I leave stuff piled everywhere until it bothers me, and then I have to go on a wild cleanup ride before I can concentrate on anything else. Being married means that my behavior also affects my partner. Although I try to rein in my untidiness, it's not a easy thing for me to and consequently, my success rate is highly variable.

When my hubby starts getting anxious about the house being untidy, I've asked him to let me know and I roll up my sleeves and get busy. If the kids are available, I get them involved too.  I don't resent this. I feel like I'm getting my due for being messy. That's fine. I'm completely ok with cleaning stuff up.  I don't want to be nagged, followed, given a hard time, or have to listen to a long lecture about it. My 50% is cleaning it up and his 50% is letting me know timely and disappearing until it's fixed.  It works pretty well.

Except..

I have so little endurance now. I have to pick and choose very carefully which targets I hit hard because I run out of gas really fast. What does that mean? My heartrate shoots up well over 100. (The highest so far was 165 or so, I think).  It gets hard to breathe. My muscles start to burn and hurt really bad (probably because they aren't getting adequate oxygenation and because my skeletal structure and musculature don't provide enough support for the activities I'm doing), and my muscles weaken, making it difficult to lift, fold, bend, carry, walk, and go up and down steps.  The more I do, the worse everything gets until I get to a point (which I am learning to avoid) where I sink to the ground, have great difficulty breathing, and can't move my legs or arms very well.  It feels kind of like if you took off your arm and replaced it with a big wood stick and then tried to move it around.  It can take several weeks for me to recover to my baseline.

I feel guilty when I can't clean as much as I want to. I feel guilty for my chore list getting smaller. I feel guilty for only being able to clean 2-3 times per week and having to rest so extensively in between every 15-30 minute cleaning spree. (Usually I have to rest for several hours between and limit those activities to a maximum of 3 per day, 2-3 times per week.

I want to do more.

I feel driven to do more.

I used to do so very much more.

It's hard to let go, accept, and be loving to myself when I come face to face with these limitations and how they affect not only me, but also my family.  I'm working on it. I am blessed to have an understanding, loving family who helps me without resentment.

Talking About Illness

When you have a vast array of symptoms, they don't come on overnight, typically. Usually they come on slowly and snowball into a huge mess.

It is very hard to deal with health issues over and over and repeatedly having to set new baselines at a lower level for functional life. It is draining. It's scary. It requires a lot of change in your life. Not only do you have limitations that take away things you used to enjoy (sometimes even things that felt like huge, exceptionally important parts of your life), you also have a wide range of advice from doctors. If you fail to comply, they will sometimes drop you as a patient and mark in your chart the dreaded "non-compliant" - which can make new doctors reluctant to take you on a patient. In that sense, your life isn't your own anymore. You now have to be obedient to another person, who may or may not fully understand the ramifications and difficulties of the changes they want you to make.

These things drag at your soul. Depression, anxiety and fear are very common. Not only are you dealing with the immediacy of the now but also looking at the future with trepidation. If the past informs the future, then you know you are in for a rough ride.

It is helpful to be able to talk about these things - to share things you learn, to grieve over what is lost, to get encouragement about facing the now and the future. But these topics are not on anyone's top 5 conversations to have. People want to talk about good times and fun and things that touch us in good ways. That is now how these particular conversations go.

It is hard to maintain friendships because of this. Not talking about something that is a huge part of your life is hard and, to me, feels fake. I can say, "I'm fine" when someone asks how I am. But, honestly, I feel like a liar and like I am unable to be my authentic self, and unable to just own up to that I feel like crap because it hurts to move, I can't breathe, and I itch all over. 

Another component of this is having a genetic disease. I have many genetic diseases. I want my extended family to know about them. I want them to know that these issues run in our family and what they look like so they can get prompt care if they recognize the symptoms. I don't want anyone else to have to wait 30 years for diagnosis and treatment. I don't want anyone else to have to put their financial health in jeopardy by going to hundreds of doctors visits - most of which are not helpful. I don't want anyone else to have doctors look at them in disdain and tell them that they have a psychosomatic illness. It's hard. Actually, it's more than hard - it's humiliating and crushing. It was very hard for me, personally, to keep pushing to find out what was wrong with me. I quit a hundred times. The light that kept me going was wanting to be the best person I could be for my immediate family. I couldn't know if I were doing that without knowing what was wrong with me -- whether it was curable or treatable. Waiting sometimes causes irreversible damage. I didn't want to be kicking myself later to find out that I had a treatable illness, but missed the window to get better because I stopped looking. 

But ... back to talking .. family members are just people. They don't like having the conversations either.  Social skills are not my strength. But I am pushing past my own discomfort to try to help others.

There are many aspects of living with chronic illness that suck.

Mast Cell Activation Syndrome - And How to Have a Really Really Flexible Life

I have Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS). This means that my mast cells, which are a function of the immune system, get way over excited and produce too much of the many types of hormones they can produce. Unlike allergy triggers which you can often identify through testing and the process of elimination, mast cells can flare at just about anything. Stress?  Check. Too little sleep? Check. Oh, liked apples yesterday but not today? Check.

When mast cells flare it triggers a cascade that looks just like an allergy reaction, which means it can look like a lot of different things. Anything an allergy can do, a mast cell reaction can do better and longer.

I had a big flare two days ago. Hives, welts, swelling, asthma, intense itching, headache.

Now, I know I have MCAS and I am under treatment. I take 5 medications every day to prevent allergies, hives, itching, tamp down those mast cells, and treat my asthma. That was not enough.

I ended up having a trip to the allergy/immunology specialist I see who is amazing, but who is 1.5-2 hours away. I had to drive myself, which I don't like to do because of my daytime sleepiness, but it was an emergency - the hives and asthma were getting worse despite all of the drugs in my arsenal, and no one else could take me. He ended up giving me a shot of benadryl, so hubby had to take off work and come and get me anyway.  (Then he went back with a friend to pick up my car today.) I also got steroids to take for 12 days, which the allergist warned me would probably not be enough. (My research showed that treatment resistant hives can last for several weeks.)  I got one of my medications switched out with another one because it's causing swelling (angioedema). But the new one - benadryl again, has to be compounded by a specialty pharmacy because I'm allergic to the dyes and preservatives in the over the counter benedryl. I also got another inhaler to add to my other two.

This is life with mast cell disease. My medications regularly change due to adverse reactions. I have several that are specially compounded for me with hyperallergenic powders and no dyes or preservatives. Even hypoallergenic products often cause adverse reactions. And I never know when I eat if my body is going to like what I put in it or not.

All of this makes my life really random. I never know how sleepy I will be, if I will have insomnia in addition to the normal daytime sleepiness, if I will have an adverse reaction, need to be near toilets or ice packs, or if I will be really out of breath, and I need to always have access to water to take medication. I take medication a minimum of 4 times a day.

I plan things, but I often require flexibility in making the plans happen. Dinner with Mom may be put off for a month. I may sleep through movies with the kids or be up all night and dead to the world all day. I really just don't know. I may plan to work on drawing and clear my schedule for several hours only to have blurry vision or tremors and have to go do something else instead.

This is life with mast cell disease.

Type B Discipline - Is Not Really Discipline

Since I first became ill all of those many years ago I have worked with a platoon of doctors. Each has their own recommendations about diet, exercise, medication, and lifestyle. Sometimes they agreed or disagreed or gave conflicting advice. As I became more ill and ended up with a small cohort of doctors, my list of medications and recommendations grew to gigantic proportions. I think it is underappreciated by doctors and by people generally how much change, adaptability, and sheer discipline is required when you are ill.

First, medication is required on a specific schedule. It must be taken a certain number of hours apart and sometimes with food or without food or in liquid. (This means that food and liquid need to be immediately available and the food and liquid have to be part of the carefully crafted diet.) Reduced calorie and special nutrition diets need careful counting and have to be consumed across hours in such a way that blood sugar doesn't surge or drop. You also can't just thoughtlessly grab whatever in the fridge or pantry looks good. It needs to be the food that best meets your caloric and nutrition requirements when taken in consideration of the dietary whole. This often requires being near a refrigerator and/or stove/microwave. Some diets do not lend themselves well to packaging or room temperatures.

When you have bad reactions to food or medication, your body may need a time out to get back to normal. The inflammation needs time to go down. You may need to do an elimination diet with food and/or medication to try to determine which is the trigger. (Sometimes the trigger can't be identified.) Then you end up off of your medication/dietary schedule and need to go back on again. You may also have a specific sleep schedule to try to adhere to. If so, this may also come with advice about how much time before bed devices and lights need to be turned off and have medication requirements tied to hour of sleep.

All of this requires planning. It requires careful execution. It requires staying tuned in to how much medication is left in a bottle and ensure that new meds are ordered in a timely fashion. It may require filling out medication holders. It is not easy. It seems like it should be easy. Really, it is a lot of steps that need to happen whether you feel like it or not. It requires discipline. If you are a Type B person, forcing yourself to be disciplined can be extraordinarily hard. You may feel like you are having to be someone else in order to make the magic happen. It can be an uphill battle. It is for me. I find I have to take breaks from discipline so it doesn't break me. I can do one thing repeatedly without problem. Two is harder. Ten feels impossible. But I try. Every day is a new day to try and get it right.

Who Am I? Am I Still Me?

Chronic illness has changed my appearance a lot. I went from being an average sized girl with cute features and active lifestyle to an overweight, lumpy, swelling person with very limited activity. It is increasingly painful for me to walk, even with crutches, two doors down from my house. The longer I try to walk, the more pain and dysfunction in my legs and pelvis I experience. I have difficulty bending down, crouching, and of course, getting back up again. It's not just a matter of obesity. I strongly suspect I have lipedema. The tissue in my legs is very painful. It doesn't have to be touched to hurt. My legs, hips & butt are lumpy and swell regularly. When I was young I was determined that I would be the kind of Mom that sat on the floor and played with my kids. I would be fit. I would be active. I never even dreamed that something like chronic illness could take all of that away. I went in 2 years from being cute and having people look twice at me to having a swollen, doughy face and doughy body. But it's not just my appearance that was stripped away. I went from being very smart to being very average. I have difficulty with my memory and processing skills. But I can adapt. And really, if I want to look back on my life without regret (my goal), then I MUST adapt. I need to find a way to be at peace with that stranger in the mirror. I need to dig deep and find within the things that make me unique. Things other than being smart. Things other than being creative. Things that may be less tangible. Because this is life. And in life there is no giving up. Time keeps pushing us forward. We keep moving or we get rolled over.

Life, She is a Changing ... and I am Changing with Her

The last few years have brought tremendous changes in my life. I went from travelling every week for work to finding my dream job locally. I was well respected in my field and loved my work. My family is wonderful and likewise was doing very well. I found a very comfortable niche. In the midst all of this life goodness, I continued to get sicker. I went from playing pick-up soccer to roller skating to walking to doing not much at all because my legs began to fail me. I have been gaining weight despite dieting, experiencing a lot of pain, migraines, breathing problems, so many things. Getting assistance from doctors was difficult for a long time. When you are overweight, that is all they see. As my body continued to spiral downwards, finding compassionate doctors who were willing to look beyond the obvious and really dig in with me was very difficult and there were a lot of humiliations along the way. Finally, when my thyroid died in 2015 I was able to get doctors to take me seriously. It was the beginning of putting together a crackerjack team of doctors who finally figured out what was wrong with me. For those of you who do not know me, I have been experiencing increasing debilitation across most of my body's systems for almost 30 years. It wasn't until I found a good immunologist, neurologist, and family doctor that I was finally diagnosed with the conditions that have plagued me for years. I have over 12 conditions diagnosed so far. 5 or maybe 6 of them are rare conditions. It is completely overwhelming. Despite being overwhelmed with my diagnoses and the things I need to do in order to feel better (and the reality that I can only feel so much better and it will likely continue to get worse), I try to stay focused on life. I have a great family, many things to do, etc. But, I have to admit, it has been difficult in the face of increasing illness. This year I finally became sick enough that I could no longer work. It was very demoralizing to reach that conclusion and to face the scary future. Being disabled means different things to different people. For me, it has stripped away all of the things I used to self-identify myself - being super smart, cute, active, successful. I have had to dig deep to find what still makes me unique and different and special and focus on bringing those things into the light. Without that, I would probably have succumbed to despair. I have many ideas of things I would like to do - from advocating for animals to writing books, but I am currently grounded by fatigue. I hope to one day be able to fly up high with my ideas and put them into action. In the meantime, I am learning about my conditions, advocating for myself, and trying to develop the discipline to take care of all of my conditions properly. I hate discipline. I hate even the idea of discipline. But discipline is necessary. It is a careful balancing act. I am hoping to blog more. I would like to improve awareness of my rare conditions. I would like to connect with others who have similar stories. I would like to change the conditions that make diagnosis of rare illnesses so difficult. Early intervention is critical. Waiting 30 years is too long. I hope you all are doing well in your own lives, and if you are not - I hope that you make great strides this year. All of our challenges are different. Namaste.

Polarization - Talk About Climate Change!

Have you noticed how polarized life is getting? The fringe is getting more fringe-y. The violent are getting more violent. Crimes arae getting more spectacular every day. News is getting more sensationalized. Paparazzi are getting more invasive. Trial verdicts and jury awards are crazier and crazier. Government is more and more divided and angry and defiant. It seems like, anymore, people don't think it's worthwhile to take a step unless it can be a very large step that rocks the world and goes viral. I miss peace, quiet, and sanity. At the rate we're going, those words are going to end up obsolete. They will go the way of fardel and golly.

In a world of me/my we've lost our sense of common purpose, of acting for the greater good, of compromise, and common sense.

I really miss seeing common sense.

Please bring back common sense.

Jen

Biggest Loser Part Ooof

I've been upset the last week on and off while processing things and getting things worked out. Things are going ok, but the benefit of this (aside from getting things worked out) is that I haven't felt like eating and I've had so much anxiety and the nervous energy that comes with anxiety that I've been constantly on the move. I lost 3 pounds! Woot!

I've gotten on the treadmill twice - once for an hour and once for ten minutes. My lower back and hips have been in a lot of pain and I'm using my cane again, but it's going ok. I'm taking my meds (OTC and prescribed) and just taking it a day at a time.

My goal is to lose a pound a day. So far it's 3 over 8 days. But maybe now that the losing has started, I can keep it on track. We'll see.

But, my house is full of sugary carby snacks for the kids. I have no desire to eat them. Woot! That is an excellent sign.

Jen

What Is Compromise and What is Ripping Out the Heart of Who You Are?

The thing I get the most push back on personally and professionally is my Type A, detail oriented, risk adverse, analytical self who needs to understand everything in a very microcosmic sort of way. That is so integral to the person I am it is very difficult for me to look outside that and see any other way to do things. It's instinctive.

I ask a lot of questions. I think about things. Ponder. Project. Analyze. Speculate. Hypothesize. I come to conclusions (sometimes wrong conclusions). I act on what I think I know. If I'm wrong, so be it. Give me more data and I will put it into my mental grinder and come to new hypotheses.

I am risk adverse. And I don't like change. When I plan, it is to avert as much potential bad crap happening as I can without being ridiculous about it. However, my personal idea of how much planning is the right amount of planning and someone else's might be very different.

The problem I have is that people are so unpredictable. And not only are they unpredictable, they also are not all tuned into themselves enough to understand their reactions and motivations. Some are, don't get me wrong. But some aren't. How do you know the difference? I don't think you really can. You can only go with your instincts and hope for the best. And a lot of people really don't feel they can be honest with you. Everything is said in a metaphorical way to be nice. The hard true stuff is just left out or justified even when they think it's ridiculous .. all in the name of the relationship.

And every so often you come to realize that when you thought you were in synch with someone else, you were so wrong. You missed all sorts of flags and hints and subtleties (because you are not so good with the subtleties). But when you finally notice them, they hit you hard because there are so many of them and they are so completely clear you feel stupid for missing them. Projecting and hypothesizing only works if you are running projections in the right direction. Turn around and the projections look completely different.

I think interpersonal relationships are the single hardest part of being human by a huge margin.

My life would probably be a lot simpler if I were not the Type A, detail oriented, analytical, risk adverse person I am. I can, maybe, just not act on my projections, but it gives me a LOT of anxiety. What if later someone comes back and says, well, why didn't you say something if you thought it was a bad idea? Letting go and just watching things fall where they may is very, very hard. Frankly, I don't know if I can do it. But I'm going to try.. even if just to see if it works better.

In a way, though, I resent feeling like I need to try. I feel like I'm being asked (although really no one has asked), to change the core of the person I am in order to fit into society better. It makes me feel like life is chipping away at my identity in order to turn me into some Stepford person.

Life is hard.

Jen

I'm Kind of Peeved

You know how when you first meet a new person they are all bright and shiny and interesting and they think you are all bright and shiny and interesting.. and then.. after a while, you become just a background piece of scenery in their life.. they want you there.. they like you and all.. but they don't really talk to you anymore or make direct eye contact. It's like they stop seeing you as a person. You're more like a pet.

I hate that.

I want sincere, being in the moment people-ness. Tuned in. Paying attention. Interacting on purpose. Seeking each other out due to a mutual desire to spend quality time together.

It seems like life is so full of busy-ness and constant demands on our time and attention that the sincerity of interpersonal relationships has taken a flying leap into the toilet.

It bums me out.


Jen

Oh, just ARRGGHH!! anyway.

First, food. I lost 3 pounds last week. I have come to the conclusion both through reading studies and through experimentation, that sugar substitute is the Devil when it comes to dieting. Sugar substitute and exercise. Do you find that as funny as I do? I mean, really. Because that's been the whole sing-along I've been hearing about weight loss for over 20 years. How ironic.

Second, ARGH! Our dog Lilly has abcesses all down one side of her body (I'm guessing they're from some sort of insect bites, but no way to know for sure). Disgusting. She is currently on antibiotics and anti-inflammatories while they conduct some cultures and getting twice daily cleanings and antiseptic/hot compresses. Hopefully this will not require surgery, but there are no promises. She is doing well though. No fever, good attitude, eating good, lest you be inclined to worry overmuch. Bad news, but not terrible. In addition, my horse, Caspar, is getting overheated. This may be due to insufficient sweating (anhydrosis). Apparently the condition can appear at any time and be partial or complete lack of sweating. In his case it would be partial. I am still observing his sweat patterns to see if I can determine if this is the case, but my initial inclination is to say yes. So, I am going to the barn several times a day and wetting him down with tepid water, watering down the shade parts of his stall to make it cooler, and letting him out to pasture at night to prevent colic (a kind of stomach ache that can be fatal and can occur when a horse is stressed). So far he is doing well under those tender ministrations. Oh, and he also now has a bloody scratch near the corner of his eye. No idea how he did that. So, I cleaned that up and got him some electrolyte powder for his feed. I also got a rectal thermometer so I can, in a pinch, get a reading and make sure he's not getting heat stroke. There are other signs I will look for first though.. bulging veins and panting. (Less gross.)

And, my jeep.. which I love, has a very cool humongous sky slider roof (an accordion style soft roof that slides back). Said very cool roof has decided over the last couple of weeks not to close entirely. Monsoon rains are due to begin next Tuesday. The earliest the service center can get me in? Wednesday, naturally. It's also a very bad time to be without my car, as I need to go to the barn several times a day to hose Caspar down. And I'm working next week, so I can't just stay at the barn.

ARGH!!!

I feel very aggravated.

And now my HOA is saying we must move the shed from behind the side of our house to the back of our house. Which is fine.. but time consuming and it's 109 degrees out. (baleful look) Why couldn't they have objected to it in December or January?

On the positive side (a short but important list), the new fish have not been eaten by the turtle. My two new corals are still alive. My son is doing well on his new medication (thank God), and I get to be home for the next 3 weeks (one of which is a vacation week).

And, of course, I lost 3 pounds.

I am a poorer and busier - but thinner - girl.

Jen

Puppies Puppies Puppies Puppies Puppies

Before Bailey died, I had been planning for the future.. thinking about what kind of puppy I would get after she passed away. I always knew her death would be very hard for me. Originally, getting MacDubh and Duncan was a way to ensure that I would still be surrounded by loving dogs after she passed. But both of the boys went to live with Tasha when she moved out because they were pretty cat aggressive and MacDubh was totally devoted to Tasha. Then MacDubh died at only 6 years from a severe bronchial infection. Duncan still visits, but its not the same.

Then Robert moved in with his dachshund Lilly. She's sweet. She's 10. Totally a lap model. Not quite the same though. She's a dog. Most definitely. Bailey was more like a person. So was MacDubh. Duncan was similar, but not with the same intensity.

I thought, well, maybe I would get a labrador retriever. They are great dogs and excellent retrievers. I could teach my lab to bring me things that I drop and help me.. as I'm not so bendie anymore.

But really, my heart belongs to mastiffs. The more I looked at pictures of labradors the more I wanted to look at pictures of mastiffs.

So, I think Robert and the kids will have to endure the slobber and the hair for a while longer.

I still miss Bailey, but I don't cry for her anymore. My heart is opening up for another baby to love. I just want one that looks different. I don't want to see Bailey in their face. A different structure .. maybe a fawn boy with a big square head this time.

I was shocked at how much prices have risen. Bailey was $1850, fully health tested parents and a solid lineage. The ones I have seen recently that meet my health testing and lineage requirements are $2500. That is going to limit how soon I can have one. And also, my job ... travelling all the time. I need time at home for my new puppy. That stresses me the most. I can have a bunch of time at home next summer. But that is a whole year away. I long for a puppy now.

Makes me a little sad.

Jen

An Exciting Opportunity (Please Let It Not Be A Disheartening One!)

One of my work friends is starting a Biggest Loser challenge for people who want to participate. There is a $60 buy in and a monthly weigh in. There are little monthly prizes and then at the end there are 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place prizes. I'm jazzed. For one, I really like the Biggest Loser show on tv. I like watching how hard they work and how they confront some of the issues that brought them to obesity. I love watching their successes and watching also how they are supported and encouraged when they plateau. It inspires me. So, I like the psychology of calling this a Biggest Loser challenge.

This particular opportunity is very timely because I am really wanting to lose weight badly. I'm focused. I'm probably going to do all the wrong things, but I am also motivated by the challenge of competing. I am trying to teach myself to change entirely what I consider appropriate food for meals and quantities. The model I was raised with doesn't work. The emphasis has to be on vegetables and proteins with slower digesting fibers to add longevity. I am also doing VERY well with my legs and back. So, I'm going to start testing exercise to see how I do. A month ago I did fine on the treadmill, but then spent two days with my muscles failing. So, I'm going to stick to 20 minute intervals instead of an hour and see how it goes. Perhaps I can do several 20 minute intervals in a day and rest between. I'll have to mix it up to see how it goes. I'm also going to try other tricks, like drinking very cold water and do spurts of intense activity to get my metabolism motivated.

Wish me luck. Please post any ideas, support, whatever. This is going to be tough.

Jen

Horses are like dogs are like children are like adults...

When I embarked on my animal ownership adventure I spent a lot of time researching training techniques and trying them out on my animals. There are many schools of thought about training. My favorite is to use the least amount of negativity possible. Reward the positive. Start off with a clean slate each time. Don't take training failures personally. Don't blame the trainee for not learning what you're teaching or assume they're doing it on purpose.

But there are a lot of training methods out there that focus on increasing the amount of pain (in one fashion or another - literal, psychological, whatever) until the trainee gets it right. Having been on the receiving end of that kind of training a time or two, I am generally against it. (Put a check in the "against" box.)

I was thinking about this (again) when I took my horse back from the stable that was buying him (long story), and noticed that they had him in a harsher bit than the one I had been using. A harsh bit hurts the mouth or the head in some fashion. A gentle bit applies some pressure, but not enough to really hurt unless you yank on the reins (which is a big rider no-no.) The philosophy behind getting a harsh bit is .. wow.. the horse isn't listening to me. I'll make him do what I want by making sure he really pays for it when he doesn't.

The philosophy behind a gentle bit is .. I'm going to use this bit to tell you what I want. A relaxed horse listens better and thus learns better. This means I have to take responsibility for explaining to you (as long as it takes) what I want you to do when I do this (pick up right rein) or this (pick up left rein) etc. And I'm going to work with you until you get it and can respond consistently each time.

Now, yes, a gentle bit requires more training and rider responsibility. But it's a long term investment in a sane horse. A harsh bit is a quick fix to a problem that can lead to longer term problems later.

I see this all the time in all sorts of inter-mammal relationships. People and dogs or cats or other animals. Adults and children. Children and adults.

Harshness begets anger, resentment and fear. None of that helps us learn. Nor does it help us look at the world with optimism and interact with the world and each other in a positive way.

Gentleness is often mistaken for being a mat and letting them do whatever they want. But that is not the case. Gentle training has consequences. But it comes from a different place. It looks different and it feels different (to both parties).

I'm an advocate. Put a check in the "for" box.


Jen

I am Committed (Before they have to actually commit me..) to...

My current step-mother challenge (I'm a fairly new step-mom.. Married in March 2009 and learning as I go..) is the part where ..when you and your husband are trying to have a conversation and every time one of you pauses for breath, one of the childrens (spelled wrong for comic effect) chimes in with some observation, desire, comment, etc. So, your conversations go something like this:

Husband: So I was thinking it might be better to switch out the plant light in the aquarium for a pink light to see if it might help with the algae.

Child 1: Yeah it might be too bright in there. No wait, what algae? Is that the brown stuff?

Child 2: What is a pink light?

Wife: The algae might just be because the tank is new. But we could try just turning the plant light off and see if it helps before we get a new light.

Child 1: I think the pink light would be good. It says it makes the colors of the fish brighter.

Hubby: Yeah, that could...

Child 2: What is a pink light? Oh. Are we still going to grow plants? Won't the plants die?

Hubby: (pause so he doesn't have to talk over Child 2) ...that could be. We could try that I suppose.

It's not so bad all things considered. There could be worse things (such as nose-picking and eating in public). BUT, on the other hand.. I could take up the mantle of step-mom and teach them not to do that. I think it would be a service to the world. A VALUABLE service. And, I might retain my mental health a little while longer yet (what is still left).


Jen

! Blogger Comment Issue !

If you have trouble commenting (I did), then when you go to log in, uncheck the box that has it remember you or your username or whatever. Then the commenting works. Apparently this is a known issue and they are working on it.

Jen

I Like Poetry - Emotional Vomitus That It Is

I like poetry.  I like reading it and also writing it.  I keep a book at home of poetry I've written and some favorites that other people have written.  I'm going to share a few of mine below. Just because.. well.. because I feel like it.

Sometimes when I'm full of emotion, my brain just starts purging it through words.. lyrical words.. usually free verse.. and they are swirling so maddeningly around in my brain I have to write them down and order them to feel better.

Winter Destinies
A snowflake should never ponder melting
as it dances down from the sky
else the dance might falter
and the snowflake plummet gracelessly
losing only the dance
and still, inexorably, melting

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And I Knew I Was Home

When I met the desert
I knew it deep inside
Intimate and familiar
Well known as any lover
I felt with perfect clarity
My soul looking back at me
Sometimes a little desperate
Strong but mistaken for lifeless
Undernourished but not quite dead

And I knew I was home.

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Memories of You

My memories of you are so large
I could cuddle up to them in bed
Snuggling into them like the shirt you wore yesterday
Burying my nose in the soft folds
Soothed by the smell of your skin
Falling asleep in them
Long after you're gone.

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Gaia's Damballah

Leaves leap from the tree
endlessly spiraling in a profusion of color
gold and emerald and ruby natives
twisting and thrusting to a sultry aboriginal beat
until the maw of the earth rises
seeking sustenance and renewal
and snatches them from the sky

FOOD! How I love and hate thee!

I have battled with food since I turned 18 or so.  As my metabolism has slowed and slowed and slowed and I've become more sedentary due to the nature and demands of my work and intermittant leg and back problems, it's been a real struggle to get to my ideal weight.  I am so far from my ideal weight. 

I currently need only around 1800 calories a day to maintain my weight.  To lose any significant amount of weight, I need to drop my calories to 1200 or so.  I need to eat every 4 hours or so (I'm a diet controlled diabetic - insulin resistant.. which means I produce insulin, but I produce it inappropriately.  My body waits too long to produce insulin and then overproduces, which can cause my blood sugar to drop dangerously low if I don't eat right.  This means I need to eat smaller amounts of the right sorts of food to keep my blood sugar in balance.  I do that very well.  I rarely have a problem with my blood sugar.).  Eating every 4 hours or so means definitely needing to control portion size.  I'm not so bad at eating decent foods.  I'm not a sugar freak.  I use low sugar and diet substitutes a lot.  But portion size is really an issue.  I need very small portions. 

It's hard to eat small portions for several reasons.  One is that I like food.  Two is that nothing comes in the size that I need to eat it.  I can get by with a portion the size of the palm of my hand.  That is enough for blood sugar control.  It is enough for calories.  But I feel guilty for wasting food.  I feel cheated because I can't eat more - or anywhere close to what other people can eat.  And I feel hungry.  I feel hungry even after I've eaten.  It's annoying.  And cravings.  Sometimes I get really horrible cravings.  This is better the fewer carbs I eat, so I try to limits carbs.  Also, I have to eat a very restrictive diet to keep my calories low.  Who wants to eat a hard boiled egg for breakfast every morning?  I want blueberry waffles!  (With diet syrup.)  Who wants to eat salad twice a day?  (I want nachos and steak and lasagna!)  And what's more.. I want food that I can quickly make and eat and go... life is very busy.  I don't have time for food prep.

It is demoralizing that my hubby, who is a trim 5'7 and 140 pounds, can eat pretty much anything he wants. His metabolism is awesome.  I want one!!

And while I struggle.. I see these commercials on tv with these size zero people pretending to eat ice cream.  I'm sure they're spitting it out in a bucket and maybe purging afterwards.  And did you hear about that yoplait commercial they pulled? It featured a women staring into a refrigerator at a cheesecake with raspberries on top.  She was negotiating with herself on what she would do to offset various sizes of cheesecake intake.  Then another woman comes up and gets a yoplait raspberry cheesecake from the fridge.  The first woman compliments the second woman on her weight loss and the second woman says thank you and how delicious and low calorie the yoplait is.  The commercial was pulled when yoplait got complaints from people involved with eating disorders who said that it mirrored too much the struggle that people with eating disorders have.  And I thought, wow.. I have that conversation with myself several times a day.  Is that wrong?

I read an article a few months ago about how actresses are hungry - all the time.  How they go to extreme lengths to stay thin enough to be marketable.  I wonder sometimes how far I should go to get to my goal weight.  Right now it's low sugar oatmeal and salad twice a day with more water and less caffeine.  (OH NOS!! I LOVES MY CAFFEINE!!!)

OHM.  One way or another it will all work out, right?  Wherever you go.. there you are.. and life somehow continues.  And my cholesterol is fine.  My muscle mass is good.  I'm strong when I'm not crippled.  I'm sure there's some middle ground somewhere.  I just have to find it.  And I need to teach my daughter what I learn so she doesn't end up in the same boat.  She's already very conscious about what she eats and weight.  How do I teach her to have a healthy relationship with food when I have no idea how to do that myself?  All I can do right now is tell her to eat vegetables and protein and go easy on carbs (the opposite of her preference).  Limit sugar.  Tell her she's beautiful just the way she is.  Encourage her to get exercise.  Argh.

Jen